Michael Dees w/Tony Pomponio "Rodney Dangerfield"

THE SHRINK MICHAEL DEES AND TONY POMPONIO Written by Mike Colonna for Wise Guys Cooking

SHRINK How are you doing Tony? TONY Doc, I got a lot of problems. SHRINK Tell me about your problems Tony. TONY You know I think I’m Rodney Dangerfield. No kidding doc, some of the things that are happening to me are spitting image of Rodney Dangerfield. SHRINK There’s something going on here, you’re the second person today that thinks he’s somebody he’s not. Tell me about your problems.

TONY A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, nobody’s home, so I went over...nobody was home. SHRINK That’s very unusual. Tony, let’s start with your childhood. TONY When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry, We did everything we could....but he pulled through. SHRINK You’re dad sounds like a very caring man. TONY I don’t know about that. When I was 14 months old I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

SHRINK Tell me about your dad. Was he a loving person. TONY I could tell my dad thought I was very ugly. All I remember is rejection. He use to buy me presents, once he bought me a yo-yo, it never came back. Another time, I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake, He told me “wait till it gets warmer.” SHRINK Anything else.

TONY He carried around of a picture of the kid who came with the wallet. SHRINK Your’e kidding. What about the rest of your family. Did you have problems in your childhood with your parents? Tell me about your mother, you know it all start there. TONY My mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend. TONY (CONT’D) You know, my mother had morning sickness ......the sickness started after I was born.

SHRINK Tell me about the your teenage years. Did you have a girl friend. TONY Yea I did. She was very ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders. SHRINK Your first date what was that like? TONY I was making love to this girl and she started crying, I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said No I hate myself now.” I get no respect. SHRINK Were you happy growing up.

TONY I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. SHRINK Oh my. You’re married right? TONY Yea, my wife is a very smart person. But I don’t know, I thought we had a happy marriage, Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a very sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. I got a lot of problems. I get no respect.

SHRINK Go ahead. TONY She cooked the other night and fixed me alphabet soup. It spelled HELP! SHRINK Are you and your wife still romantic with each other? TONY I’m not sure if she’s still thinks I’m the love of her life. SHRINK Why do you say that?

TONY She only makes love to me for one purpose, the last time last time she used me to time an egg. SHRINK I see a pattern here. What other problems do you and your wife have? TONY One night I came home, we kinda got romantic, I figured, I’ll play it cool, you know wait for her to make the first move. She went to Florida. SHRINK Tony, it can’t be all bad. TONY I get no respect. One night I took my wife to a restaurant for her birthday, I made a toast, “to the best woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me.

SHRINK What else gives you the impression she doesn’t love you? TONY My wife was afraid of the dark, then she saw me undress, and now she’s afraid of the light. SHRINK I’m sure you lead a very interesting life. TONY My wife likes to talk when she makes love, the other night she called me from a motel.. SHRINK You know this 23 and me, Ancestry fad is all over the place. Have you checked into that. TONY I used the website who’s your Goomba.com My mothers side of the family was very stupid. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west.

SHRINK Keep going. TONY My grandfather was so stupid he worked in a bank and got caught stealing pens. SHRINK Well, Tony I think I can get to the bottom of this problem you have. TONY I don’t know, I hope...I’ll give you another example, this morning I put on my underwear, I could hear the “Fruit of the Loom” guys laughing at me. I get no respect.

SHRINK Let’s make an appointment for next month, I’ll send you my recommendations, follow them and we’ll make some progress. TONY I hope you can help me Doc, SHRINK Eva send in my next patient. LARRY CAPELOTO Hi doc, SHRINK How can I help you.

LARRY CAPELOTO You know one day I think I’m Ed McMhon the next day I think I’m Foster Brooks.