Michael Dees w/Tony Pomponio "Rodney Dangerfield"

THE SHRINK MICHAEL DEES AND TONY POMPONIO Written by Mike Colonna for Wise Guys Cooking

SHRINK How are you doing Tony? TONY Doc, I got a lot of problems. SHRINK Tell me about your problems Tony. TONY You know I think I’m Rodney Dangerfield. No kidding doc, some of the things that are happening to me are spitting image of Rodney Dangerfield. SHRINK There’s something going on here, you’re the second person today that thinks he’s somebody he’s not. Tell me about your problems.

TONY A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, nobody’s home, so I went over...nobody was home. SHRINK That’s very unusual. Tony, let’s start with your childhood. TONY When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry, We did everything we could....but he pulled through. SHRINK You’re dad sounds like a very caring man. TONY I don’t know about that. When I was 14 months old I took my first step, my old man tripped me.

SHRINK Tell me about your dad. Was he a loving person. TONY I could tell my dad thought I was very ugly. All I remember is rejection. He use to buy me presents, once he bought me a yo-yo, it never came back. Another time, I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake, He told me “wait till it gets warmer.” SHRINK Anything else.

TONY He carried around of a picture of the kid who came with the wallet. SHRINK Your’e kidding. What about the rest of your family. Did you have problems in your childhood with your parents? Tell me about your mother, you know it all start there. TONY My mother never breast fed me. She told me she only liked me as a friend. TONY (CONT’D) You know, my mother had morning sickness ......the sickness started after I was born.

SHRINK Tell me about the your teenage years. Did you have a girl friend. TONY Yea I did. She was very ugly. They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders. SHRINK Your first date what was that like? TONY I was making love to this girl and she started crying, I said “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said No I hate myself now.” I get no respect. SHRINK Were you happy growing up.

TONY I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. SHRINK Oh my. You’re married right? TONY Yea, my wife is a very smart person. But I don’t know, I thought we had a happy marriage, Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a very sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. I got a lot of problems. I get no respect.

SHRINK Go ahead. TONY She cooked the other night and fixed me alphabet soup. It spelled HELP! SHRINK Are you and your wife still romantic with each other? TONY I’m not sure if she’s still thinks I’m the love of her life. SHRINK Why do you say that?

TONY She only makes love to me for one purpose, the last time last time she used me to time an egg. SHRINK I see a pattern here. What other problems do you and your wife have? TONY One night I came home, we kinda got romantic, I figured, I’ll play it cool, you know wait for her to make the first move. She went to Florida. SHRINK Tony, it can’t be all bad. TONY I get no respect. One night I took my wife to a restaurant for her birthday, I made a toast, “to the best woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me.

SHRINK What else gives you the impression she doesn’t love you? TONY My wife was afraid of the dark, then she saw me undress, and now she’s afraid of the light. SHRINK I’m sure you lead a very interesting life. TONY My wife likes to talk when she makes love, the other night she called me from a motel.. SHRINK You know this 23 and me, Ancestry fad is all over the place. Have you checked into that. TONY I used the website who’s your Goomba.com My mothers side of the family was very stupid. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west.

SHRINK Keep going. TONY My grandfather was so stupid he worked in a bank and got caught stealing pens. SHRINK Well, Tony I think I can get to the bottom of this problem you have. TONY I don’t know, I hope...I’ll give you another example, this morning I put on my underwear, I could hear the “Fruit of the Loom” guys laughing at me. I get no respect.

SHRINK Let’s make an appointment for next month, I’ll send you my recommendations, follow them and we’ll make some progress. TONY I hope you can help me Doc, SHRINK Eva send in my next patient. LARRY CAPELOTO Hi doc, SHRINK How can I help you.

LARRY CAPELOTO You know one day I think I’m Ed McMhon the next day I think I’m Foster Brooks.

Pomponio "Sonopazzo!"

Wise Guys Cooking Antonio Sonopazzo

DISALVO Let’s give a big Wise Guys Cooking welcome to one of our old friends Antonio Sonopazzo. Antonio is the president of the Italian American UFO Society. How are you Antonio? SONO Fine Frank, sorry I’m late I don’t know if it was me or my eyes, but I could have sworn I saw large Pizza’s flying your studio here while I was parking my car. DISALVO When did this start. SONO My wife sent me out for a Extra large cheeze pizza the other night from Vito’s house of pizza, when I walked out the door something strange happened. I laid the box of pizza on the hood of my car, went to grab the keys out of my pocket and I couldn’t believe it. The box opened, and perperoni slices started rising out of my pizza, and started circling my car.

DISALVO Did you call the cops? SONO Call the cops? they would have thought I was crazy. No Frank I didn’t call the cops. No I called my wife. DISALVO What did your wife say? SONO She said I got my sleeping pills mixed up with my cats medication. DISALVO You’re cats medication? SONO (Antonio looks around the room while sitting) Did you see that?

DISALVO How did this all start. SONO When I was a baby, back in the day, my mother would put in a crib. I remember like it was yesterday. There was a little merry go round gadget swirling around my crib. DISALVO I’ve seen those they spinning around your crib putting you to sleep. SONO That’s how it all started Frank. Instead of singing a kiddie lullaby, she would be singing “Doo Doo Doo Doo, Dood Doo Doo.” She would turn the lights off and the merry go round would glow in the dark. DISALVO Scary SONO From that moment as a baby, I’ve always felt their were aliens following me.

DISALVO Creatures from outer space. How’s your mother now. SONO I haven’t seen her in years. DISALVO Years. SONO Yes Frank when I was a little kid, it was night time and I saw something strange. It was late and I looked out the window, and something that looked like a flying saucer attempted to land in our back yard. I flew in so fast that the green mens little legs couldn’t find the brake peddles. I saw their little legs hanging out trying to stop the flying saucer before they crash landed. DISALVO Crash landed in your back yard.

SONO My mother went out to see what the disturbance was, she walked up to the flying saucer, and a little green man asked her to board. DISALVO Your mother was invited into the saucer. SONO That’s right Frank. Gone, she’s gone. DISALVO How about your father how’s he doing. SONO He saw the whole thing. He couldn’t believe his eyes. DISALVO Where’s your father now. SONO He’s in a straight jacket somewhere in a home for the mentally disturbed near Milwaukee. DISALVO Well there your have it folks Antonio Sonopazo, thanks for sharing your story with us.

Pomponio "Interview Lifesaver."

WISE GUYS COOKING Tony Pomponio The Interview

Wise Guys Cooking Open DISALVO Let’s welcome our band leader Tony Pomponio. TONY Frank I’m happy to be here. DISALVO You were telling me your first big interview here, in this country, was a very interesting experience. TONY After my first wife left me because I had no money, I tried to get a job with one of the guys my friend said was a big shot and if I got the job it would pay a lot of money. DISALVO He was a big shot? What do you mean? TONY What I mean is he was a business man from the WestSide of Chicago and just got out of jail, but he said the charges against him were false and that he should have never done jail time.

DISALVO What was he charged with? TONY There was a rumor going around that he was smuggling accordions from Italy. I should have known better. DISALVO Accordions? TONY He was a very dapper man, always dressed like he was going somewhere important, like a wedding or a funeral. DISALVO What was his name? TONY I remember it was very unusual. (thinking) His name was Vito “B flat” Facchini. DISALVO Vito “B” Flat Facchini? TONY He seemed like a good guy, since you know I play the accordion and B Flat is one of my favorite keys.

DISALVO Go on. TONY Well we met in an Italian delicatessen on the South Side. It was called Tony Viola’s Deli. DISALVO Tony Viola’s Deli. TONY I never ate there before. I was very nervous, I figured this was my big break. I could get into the Accordion business and make lot’s of money. DISALVO So what happened? TONY Like a said I was very nervous. So I needed to relax before B Flat walked in. I went to the counter and bought some lifesavers. You know the one’s with the holes, so I popped one in my mouth and started to suck on one. I think it was white peppermint. DISALVO A white peppermint Lifesaver? TONY Just then “B Flat” walks in and sees me at the table. This is my big chance Frank, I’m going to break into big time accordion sales.

DISALVO I didn’t know there was a demand for accordions. TONY Like I said I was very nervous. So I introduced my self. If I recall he had a white shirt with a black tie. Frank I was very nervous, this was my first interview with someone who was considered a “big shot.” DISALVO So tell us what happened. TONY Well, I think he liked me but I think I made a big mistake. DISALVO What kind of mistake. TONY Well I told Vito “B” Flat that I loved accordions, and I could help him with his business. DISALVO Go ahead. TONY You know Frank how you get real nervous and sometime you talk to fast, well I was talking so fast, my tongue got caught between my upper front teeth, I tried to slow done but it was to late.

DISALVO I’m interested. What happened that was too late. TONY I said I was talking so fast that my tongue got stuck in the lifesaver hole, as I tried to get it switched around in my mouth, it flew out like a rocket and landed on Vito “B’ Flat’s beautiful black tie. DISALVO No. TONY Yes, B Flat looked at me, he looked at his beautiful black tie, then he looked At me again, and I looked at my Lifesaver on his tie, and it began sliding down. DISALVO No Tony don’t tell me. TONY I’m telling you Frank. The lifesaver slid down and left a big white streak on his tie. I thought I was dead meat.

DISALVO Well did you get the job? TONY No I didn’t get the job. DISALVO Have you seen Vito “B” Flat since then? TONY You know, shortly after my Life Saver incident, I read the newspapers and there it was a headline, that a guy by the name of John “No Nose” DiFonzi was arrested for dumping Vito B Flats body in the Chicago River. DISALVO The Chicago River? TONY Yea Frank, they found him floating in the river with the black suit, a white shirt with a black tie. The coroner said the stain looked like someone had spit on Life Saver on his tie.

Pomponio Forgetting

WISE GUYS COOKING POMPONIO FORGETTING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670

DISALVO Let’s welcome our band leader our friend and yours, Tony Pomponio. POMPONIO Frank It’s good to see you again. I’m glad I remembered your name. Lately I’ve had a lot of problems. DISALVO What kind of problems? POMPONIO I’m forgetting everything. It’s getting to the point I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO I know what you mean. POMPONIO What’s your name again. DISALVO Frank. If that doesn’t work just call be “you know.”

POMPONIO I was at a party I don’t know when and I introduced my wife of 42 years to a friend. I forgot her name. DISALVO Not good. POMPONIO It seems to happen lately at all of the parties I go to. When I introduce myself the other night I said hi, I’m I’m you’ll have to forgive me I forgot. I’m terrible with names. DISALVO Our memories aren’t what they used to be. POMPONIO It’s so bad, yesterday I forgot why I walked into the bathroom. DISALVO That is not a good thing. POMPONIO It’s not forgetting things completely that bothers me, it’s remembering that I’ve forgotten to remember something that I forgot.

DISALVO How’s your wife putting up with you? POMPONIO I don’t know, last week it was our anniversary, the only way I remembered is when my wife through a bag of rice on my head. DISALVO That’s bad. POMPONIO Bad? Your telling me. My wife asked me about our marriage. She said if you had it to do all over again, would you? I said would I what. DISALVO I hope all is not lost. POMPONIO I was telling a joke the other day, I forgot why the two bears were in the woods. DISALVO Everyone knows why two bears went in the woods. POMPONIO I don’t remember why two bears were in the woods.

DISALVO One good thing about losing your memory is you do get to meet knew people every day. POMPONIO You know I go to a memory class every week on Friday, or is it Tuesday, Frank I forgot. DISALVO You look normal. POMPONIO I know Frank except for three things, names, faces and something else. I guess you could call me a psychic. DISALVO A psychic? POMPONIO I know in advance what I’ll forget. DISALVO Well help is on he way. It’s called a commercial. We’ll be right back.

"Wise Guys Basement Open"

Restaurant Tony Pomponio